I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
