I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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