census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
