I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
