I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
