Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
