he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
