i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
