So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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