we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
