smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
