We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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