my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
