I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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