She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
