I'm going to jail i love you
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
