there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
