Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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