Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
