i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
