dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
