It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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