She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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