I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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