His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
