one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
someone owes me an orgasm
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I understand Curling. That high.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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