I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
