They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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