Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
did you just send me my own nude
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
