Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize
