Already got asked if we're dating
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just invented taco cereal.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
