She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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