I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
