Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
