im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
