Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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