I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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