a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
