If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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