Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
