after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
