You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
