I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
love makes seman taste better
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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