It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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