Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
