I'm lost and stupid without you.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
