I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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