I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
