Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.