my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?