I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
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I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does