did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
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relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
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Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!