Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
