Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
