the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
