I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
