when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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