I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
