I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
they call him Oral-B. enough said
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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