So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Dick very happy bro
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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